The View from Hell

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Some Motherly Advice To My Male Readers

with 25 comments

I have an acquaintance who just found out she’s pregnant. She’s my age (early thirties) and the father is a 24-year-old guy who had recently broken up with her, but apparently they got together one last time and . . . boom.

She’s emphatically keeping it.


They used condoms, but apparently one broke. And now his life is completely changed, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

It is important to realize that MEN HAVE NO REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS in Western countries once their semen has left their body. So what can you do to avoid this situation?

  1. Always use condoms, every time, even if she’s on the pill, even if she claims she’s had tubal ligation, even if she’s 42 (n.b. ESPECIALLY if she’s 42).
  2. Even when using condoms, ALWAYS PULL OUT before you come. This is the only way to ensure against condom breakage.
  3. Flush that shit when you’re done. In wastewater treatment facilities, condoms and other debris get strained out of the water before it’s treated and released into the ocean or wherever.

It’s not fair or good that this should be the only sexual experience a man can have without fear of being an unintended parent. But it’s the way the world currently is. Don’t get caught out there, guys. Your reproductive rights begin and end with your semen; control that stuff before it gets made into a baby.

Have fun!


Written by Sister Y

May 3, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Posted in condoms, gender, sex, withdrawal

25 Responses

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  1. The ONLY two way a condom can break is (1) friction, and (2) thinness. The effects of friction can be avoided by using copious amounts of lubricant. The key is to use a silicone based lubricant, which does not dry out and does not require reapplication. Thinness can be avoided by using an super thick condom (about 10 times thicker than a usual condom): this one also wraps around the testicles, preventing slip-off.

    The Plague Doctor

    May 3, 2011 at 7:43 pm

  2. Yet another argument for male bi/homosexuality.


    May 3, 2011 at 8:03 pm

  3. For some of us, alas, options are rather tightly limited.


    May 3, 2011 at 8:21 pm

  4. He needs to demand a paternity test.


    May 3, 2011 at 9:52 pm

  5. Homosexuality surely is an excellent way to avoid reproduction. As is vasectomy, I guess, which should also be easier to choose and implement – at least easier than willingly switching ones desires from one sex to the other. Still not very easy though :-/
    All the best,


    May 3, 2011 at 10:01 pm

  6. Honestly, I just don't think condoms are enough. You would have to buy and carry your own every time (if they are hers, she may puncture them); you would have to either flush the used ones or carry them with you (I'm not sure how long spermatozoa remain viable at room temperature, but leaving them in her trash can is surely a risk). You would have to wear a condom during non-vaginal sex. I've mentioned this bizarre story before, but I think now is a good time to refresh your memory of the case.

    I don't think homosexuality is a foolproof guarantee against oopsing (not that I've ever heard of it happening to gay men); it would be considerably harder to implement, but there is now a court ruling that if you've ejaculated into someone, your semen becomes their property. Some gay men are pretty baby-crazy, and there has already been at least one case of attempted forced insemination of a lesbian by her partner, who tried to use her brother's sperm,, so it's not like same-sex relationships are immune to this shit. What's to stop the guy you are having sex with from convincing his sister to conceive and gestate your baby?

    I honestly don't know how sexually active guys can sleep at night.


    May 3, 2011 at 11:41 pm

  7. I should say “my male readers who have sex with females.”

    Sister Y

    May 4, 2011 at 12:18 am

  8. CM aptly covered just about all I had intended to add. However note, dear fellas (in case it hadn't occurred to you previously), that even if you just engage in oral,if she gets your wad in her mouth (or even just on her hand, or on your chest), she can inoculate herself with your man milk. Some broads are so scheming and dishonest that I wouldn't put it past them.
    My advice is you should either be celibate, get a vasectomy, or screw only certified post-menopausal (or otherwise undeniably sterile) women. Your life really is over if an accident happens or she “oopses” you. And yes, I know someone this happened to. It's all too real. Consider yourself warned.


    May 4, 2011 at 12:32 am

  9. And, as it turns out, CM's “bizarre story” link speaks specifically to the oral scenario. What a nightmare for that man!


    May 4, 2011 at 12:38 am

  10. There are actual, real-world cases not only of a woman impregnating herself with leftover semen from an oral encounter, but ADMITTING to such in court, and the owner of the sperm STILL being determined to be the legal father of the child for child support purposes.

    This is an extreme situation. It's much more common for a woman to become pregnant through intercourse and then refuse to abort, even if the couple had previously decided this would be the proper course of action in case of unintended pregnancy.

    In these cases, it seems people are more inclined to harp on moral failings of the father (how dare he reject his darling baby?) rather than on the obvious wrong committed by the mother. I follow Dan Savage's “wilderness rule” when screwing much younger partners, but not every woman believes they have such a duty to their partners.

    Sister Y

    May 4, 2011 at 12:54 am

  11. Whoa, 42 year olds sure are scary. I know a 25 year old friend who knocked up a 42 year old. The women actually lied to him about being on the pill. The guy is now completely fucked.

    I wonder why they do it. Any ideas sister?


    May 4, 2011 at 3:10 am

  12. Sister Y, you said:
    “a woman impregnating herself with leftover semen from an oral encounter, but ADMITTING to such in court, and the owner of the sperm STILL being determined to be the legal father of the child for child support purposes.”

    But CM had said:
    “but there is now a court ruling that if you've ejaculated into someone, your semen becomes their property.”

    So the “owner of the sperm” is the woman who impregnated herself with it. So she's the father. 😛



    May 4, 2011 at 4:51 am

  13. Sound point, Rob, on lesser erotic plasticity in men than in women. I meant my comment chiefly as a reference to Sister Y's post a few weeks ago, Female Choice and its Discontents.

    But I think the point remains that Western society is a lot less welcoming of male bisexuality than female bisexuality, so men who are attracted to a substantial number of men often either simply don't act on it or they repress it. I've asked a few gay friends, “if you weren't attracted to men at all, would you be asexual”, and the answer has been “no” four out of five times. I find it implausible that the continuum from gay to bi suddenly breaks when you get toward the straight side of bi. There's probably a lot more latent bisexual attraction out there among men than gets acted on.


    May 4, 2011 at 4:51 am

  14. When first this article earlier, I missed being amused by the title: “motherly” advice. =)


    May 4, 2011 at 9:04 am

  15. Of dudes who spend their time commenting on pro-suicide blogs, how many actually have to worry about women wanting their child?


    May 5, 2011 at 12:35 am

  16. Kurt Cobain


    May 5, 2011 at 1:57 am

  17. <3 <3 <3

    Sister Y

    May 5, 2011 at 1:59 am

  18. Anon 5:35-

    The readers of this blog tend to be intelligent, articulate, and otherwise interesting people; some of them are partnered. Jim of actually has biological children, so yes, many of these dudes have to worry about it, and for some of them, it is already too late. Besides, plenty of people commit suicide after breeding, so it's not like reproductive success makes one immune to suicidal ideation, let alone supporting people's right to live and die in the manner of their choosing.

    Not that any of that even matters. Go talk to a child welfare worker. You'll be amazed at the kind of scum women are willing to use as sperm donors. Some women (yes, plural) have multiple children from different fathers, each of whom is a child-molesting registered sex offender, which these women knew in advance. You shouldn't assume people have standards. After all, most of them think life is the best thing since apple pie.


    May 5, 2011 at 2:12 am

  19. Anon 5:35 here: I was just joking. In fact, I've been asked to donate sperm, and I'm the type of loser reads about suicide all day.


    May 5, 2011 at 5:41 am

  20. Also, not everyone who reads this blog is especially suicidal, and not everyone who reads this blog is an antinatalist.


    May 5, 2011 at 5:56 am

  21. CM said: “The readers of this blog tend to be intelligent, articulate, and otherwise interesting people.”

    I take offence to this offhand suggestion, indicating that I am “intelligent”. You cannot make such claims without knowing me. I also take offence that I are articulate being of. This is the usually disgusting behaviour from you suicidal, pessimistic heathens. I'm glad I comment and complain on the very blog I have a problem with instead of saying why it is wrong; instead I will leave this and laugh at how much superior I am because I love life, being alive, etc. want a thousand children and once read a philosophy book because I had a crush on this girl once.


    May 5, 2011 at 4:48 pm

  22. TM: did u bang her?


    May 5, 2011 at 7:39 pm

  23. When first this article earlier, I missed being amused by the title: “motherly” advice. =)

    When I read the title of this post, the first thing which leaped to mind was Isabelle Huppert in Christophe Honoré's Bataille adaptation Ma Mère. For whatever reason, Sister Y is in my mind a composite of many Huppert characters, such as in 'Loulou', 'Piano Teacher', 'School of Flesh', and 'Coup de Torchon'.


    May 5, 2011 at 9:13 pm

  24. Virginity or vasectomy!


    May 7, 2011 at 1:42 am

  25. “So what can you do to avoid this situation”?

    “William Stanley Sutton III, a 25-year-old Maryland man, was taken into police custody in August after being accused of spiking his pregnant girlfriend’s drink with a cattle hormone in an attempt to cause an abortion.”

    “Sutton is the father of the baby and Tucker told authorities he wanted her to have an abortion. She refused.”

    Ha, desperate guy.

    Spike her drink (not rape)

    May 10, 2011 at 3:12 am

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